Santa with Muscles (1996)

we just rented it last night, and I'd have to say it deserves its high ranking. when we stopped by the rental place to pick it up after calling ahead, the entire staff wanted to meet us, they were all dying of laughter...apparently it hadn't been rented in 6 years.

Anyway, the "plot". Hulk Hogan is some rich guy that likes playing paintball. He beats some people up. while running from the police, he hits his head while wearing a Santa suit. So naturally, when he wakes up, he thinks he's santa. Then he beats some more people up. He winds up at an church orphanage (which has a grand total of three kids) for some reason. Some other bad guy wants the church orphanage destroyed, so Hulk Hogan beats up some henchmen. So the kids take Hogan on a tour of the catacombs (and of course a California church would have catacombs). while there, they discover a vault containing....glowing, magic rocks. It starts getting weird after that.

The best joke of the night while watching the movie: "Can you imagine the writers' meeting while coming up with this plot? Writer 1: But WHY does the villain want to destroy the orphanage? pause Writer 2: Two words: magic minerals.

Fmovies: "Santa With Muscles" is an absolutely appalling film. It stars WCW wrestler Hulk Hogan who after getting amnesia thinks he is Santa Claus (like a grown man actually believes in Santa whether he has amnesia or not). He then goes onto beating the bad guys in typically corny Hulk Hogan fashion. I give it a 1/10 and that is being generous.

One word: FORGETTABLE! That's it! Its best use is a substitute for a lump of coal in your stocking! Angry Johnny would thank Santa for it, and because he's been a naughty boy all his life! Don't let this be next year's X-mas present under your tree!!!

Santa with Muscles fmovies. Is to use any and all copies of this film as Yule Logs, though it would likely leave a lingering stench for weeks to come. Everyone has summed up this film pretty accurately; it makes the Christmas turkey that Scrooge bought for Bob Crachit look like a spring chicken. The film stars that great thespian Hulk Hogan. He has made some pretty awful films, but even he should have used an alias for this one. Not to be missed is his costume, which is pure Village People Santa (it's a shame they didn't record a song about the holiday joy of sitting on Santa with Muscle's lap). Granted, I am not a geologist, but any crystals that have the ability to explode if barely jostled can be used for sword fights later on in the film, well, your script editors have some continuity issues. Remember the old saying, that if you put 1000 monkeys into a room with 1000 typewriters, that one of them will eventually write Shakespeare? They might not get to Shakespeare, but this film is evidence that they will churn out a steaming pile of reindeer crap. If you truly want to spread Christmas cheer, get yourself a caroling book and a few friends and hit the streets. The only thing this film is good for is as a substitute for coal in a Christmas stocking.

I am sure most of the posters here are not wrestling fans. Therefore, I will clue you in on a couple of things. Hulk Hogan is an ego maniacal jackass that demands creative control over anything he is involved in.

This movie might not have been a classic when it was first written, but I will be fair and say it had average potential(a rating of 5). The movie probably had a different title at first until......Hulkamania arrived.

Hulk Hogan has this remarkable ability to turn something good or average into unwatchable garbage. Original title may have been "When Santa got Rich" or "Santa CEO" or something slightly stupid. Hogan looks at the title and says "no way brother, my fans don't know nothing about no CEO(the first true words to come out of the mouth of the Hulkster in twenty years). So he called it "Santa with Muscles" because no project involving Hogan is allowed to go 5 seconds without referring to the "24 inch pythons" After adding scenes where blow up candy canes are used by Hogan with results comparable to the bomb dropped on Hiroshima, Hogan finally has gotten his wish. He ruined what might have been an enjoyable movie experience for two year olds and those who are "mentally challenged" or retards as Hogan's faithful redneck fans may call them.

I am not surprised at how bad this film turned out. Wrestling fans with half a brain have hated Hogan for years. He exercises creative control when he is told that he is going to lose and this ends up boring anyone with a below average iq on up to tears. Hogan may have turned wrestling into a million dollar industry with a lot of help from the master marketing machine named Vince Mcmahon. Many good people sacrificed their wrestling careers by falling prey to Hogan's trademark "leg drop of doom" and now some poor director is probably living under a bridge in Los Angeles damning the day he got involved with Hulk Hogan. Hogan may have helped turn wrestling into mainstream entertainment, but he also singlehandedly destroyed the same industry(his tired act help put WCW into the ground) he helped build by never learning more than three moves. Punch, back scratch, high boot and leg drop. Oops that is four moves. Some things never change. In the ring the bad guy always loses to Hulk via leg drop. In the movies, Hogan expands his creative horizons by having the bad guy lose via Plastic candy Kane.

This just goes to show that Hogan is a bad on the big screen as he is in the squared circle. How this film could ever have been commishoned is beyond belief.

I hope someone was fired or even tortured for the production of this film.

It is only a shame that the scoring system on the vote doesn't start at 0 because 1 is far to good for this film. This goes to show that Hogan should never be allowed to make any films EVER EVER AGAIN.

Thanks for your time and please don't ever feel the need to watch this film to win a bet or if you are contemplating suicide. It will push you over the edge.