Starcrash (1978)

When I was a teen, I saw STARCRASH in a double feature with INFRAMAN. My life hasn't been the same since. The theatre was filled with impressionable kids. After laughing nonstop during INFRAMAN, my friend and I were so giddy that we decided to add-lib some dialogue during STARCRASH. The whole audience was in hysterics. All the kids sat around us and laughed out loud to the diaolgue we said out loud. It was one of the funnest moments at the movies I've ever experienced. Even the ushers were laughing. So, if you do not like STARCRASH, then you can't be a friend of mine. STARCRASH is dear to my heart because of that afternoon watching that wonky double feature.

I've watched STARCRASH since and it's still great fun even if there are some dead moments here and there. Anyway, what can you say about a technicolor pseudo rip-off of STAR WARS starring Caroline Munro? The ending in STARCRASH was even ripped off in STAR TREK NEMESIS. Not bad for a cheesy Italian sci-fi flick. And the score by John Barry (yes, THE John Barry) is pretty good (sounded a lot like OUT OF AFRICA). All in all, STARCRASH epitomizes everything about the word "B-Movie."

Fmovies: This is probably one of the best/worse movies I've ever seen, and I've been so much looking forward to its official release on DVD... Well at last that's it! Starcrash is available on DVD Region 2 in France! I certainly pray for a French dub option, as it makes the movie even more cheesy than it is! I'm certainly looking forward to seeing it again, as my VHS copy is so used now that it's not correctly read by my VCR. I wonder if it's going to be released in other countries. However, Starcrash is still brilliant... Just to see Christopher Plummer wondering during the whole movie what he's doing and why he accepted the part, know about his fantastic power as the Emperor of the Universe, to stop time for five minutes only, and see David Hasselhoff in one of his first movies ever... Of course, seeing the wonderful Carolin Munroe in a Barbarella-like part is also great fun!

I thought I had seen the worst space movie made in recent years when I saw Space Mutiny, how innocent it all seems looking back after just watching Starcrash. This has to be the worst acted, worst written, most poorly edited movie I have seen in years. The special effects deserve a mention, because they aren't. It's amazing to me that this piece of fetid crud came out 2 years after Star Wars had shifted the goalposts.

The best thing about the models is sitting spotting which bits came from where, they're made with sprues from model kits with all the parts still attached so nerds can see bits of Space 1999 eagles, the Nostromo, Saturn V rockets, aircraft wheels, etc. Dire! The space battles between lumpy bits of model kits are so poorly made and edited that it's impossible to follow what's going on. Certainly the actors and director couldn't, I lost count of the continuity errors during those sequences.

As for the actors and acting, Caroline Munro and Marjoe Gortner pull some damn funny faces, and frankly I could watch Caroline mince around in her various space bikinis all day, but she will keep trying to act. Disaster! I wonder if Christopher Plummer even lists this one on his resume, but you can bet David Hasselhoff has it near the top of his. I hate to say it, but apart from Caroline Munros legs he's the best thing in the film. Now that's a bad movie.

I honestly don't know how they made this, they obviously watched Star Wars because they blatantly rip it off for most of their plot, designs, names and so forth, but never noticed that that movie had real actors, good writing and amazing effects. Darth Zarn... sorry, Zarth Arn the bad guy makes Ming the Merciless look like a taut, underplayed role, and the whole major fight sequence where men in torpedoes are shot through the windows of his space ship to fight his minions is incredible. Never mind calling soldiers, you want a good glazier to stop the air blasting out, surely?

I give in, this movie sucked far harder than any vacuum I have ever seen. It's a cheapo rip-off of Star Wars mixed with Barbarella and if it wasn't for a babe in the title role no one would watch more than a few minutes of this dross. A new low, really low. Funny, but low.

Starcrash fmovies. Who knew that space was so colourful! If you like picking films apart you'll be working on Starcrash for several years, but if you're all up for non-stop action, stop motion robots, The Hoff, skimpy outfits, bizarre spaceships and people painted green, this is the film for you! The rolling blurb at the start was in French so: can't help you there. Anyway, in the future, the Emperor's son goes missing when his ship is entering the Haunted Star system (it gets attacked by flashing lights and a lava lamp). Meanwhile Stella Star (Caroline Munro from Flesh for the Beast and Don't Open till Christmas) and her psychic buddy Akton (Marjoe Gunter from Mausoleum – and you should see what happens to him in that film!), are being chased through space by a green guy and Police Robot Elle for smuggling and after some confusing hyperspace action, get caught.

After being sentenced by a giant brain with animated tentacles surrounded by lava lamps (you heard me), Stella is sent to a prison planet and Akton is sent to…a different prison planet. In the end the Green guy and Elle (with his great Texan accent) rescue them for a special mission: To find The Hoff! The Emperor (Christopher Plummer) explains that evil Zarth Arn (played by Joe Spinell of The Last Horror Film) is hiding in the Haunted system and attacked The Hoff's ship. Three lifeboats were jettisoned, so there's about four places the Hoff could be – a waterworld, a cold world, and some other places.

Enough about the plot. I loved this film. It's got giant animated statues, animated robots with swords (fighting The Hoff!). Joe Spinell's ship is shaped like a giant hand, Caroline Munro wears a skimpy outfit that must have had young boys turning to their parents and asking "Where do babies come from?",the music is great, and at one point they take on what looked to me to be a whole army of tramps.

Directed by Luigi Cozzi with utter contempt for the laws of physics but a healthy dose of imagination, Starcrash is a winner all the way thanks to the lack of dull spots and its high camp value. Cozzi went on to direct the great Contamination and is now manager of Dario Argento's shop Profondo Rosso, which I visited in 2011Â…

Â…I wish I had a great anecdote to go with that statement, but he wasn't there. My wife and kids were nearly run over by a guy on a motorbike who was driving on the pavement, however. Good old Rome and it's crazy, dangerous traffic.

When "Star Crash" appeared in the U.S., my local newspaper's film critic noted: "...You have to be suspicious of a movie that literally sneaks into town...". That remark left me curious, but not curious enough; after just one week "Star Crash" had left town as quietly as it had come in. Why would any movie get so little push from its' distributor, I wondered? Could it really be that bad? It took me years to find out. Some dozen or so years later, a friend of mine told me he had a copy...well, I couldn't pass this up. After seeing it, I decided that the critics were right--and wrong. Such a hoot! Caroline Munro definitely set the mood in her almost-not-there "space-kini" and high-heeled boots, with Marjoe Gortner pulling backup as 2nd banana. Cheesy special FX, a painfully earnest performance by Christopher Plummer (you can practically see him wondering if his paycheck will clear the bank when he's finished), and a surprisingly good score ( hey, it's John Barry, what did you expect?)make this a pleasant surprise, as long as you're not expecting anything on par with E.E. "Doc" Smith, etc. A small note: I got to meet Ms. Munro at an SF convention back in '82, and I totally agree with Harlan Ellison...she was so gorgeous in person that "they had to ugly her down, so that the cameras wouldn't melt during filming!"....Though I forgot to ask her if it was true that only copy of the shooting script had been stolen by members of Italy's Red Brigade terrorists and held for ransom! Ah, rumors...anyway, try and catch it for free and you won't feel cheated.

When it comes to bad movies there are a few different brands of crap that are being served. Mainly it's crap that is funny or crap that is just sad. While "Aeon Flux" for instance is just sad, a movie like "Starcrash" is actually funny.

After the huge success of "Star Wars" it's no real mystery why movies like this one were made. We have the same syndrome now with all the movies made based on comics. While many of them are worthwhile, like for instance X-men and Spiderman, many will also be crap made just to bring in the quick buck (back to Aeon Flux for instance). "Starcrash" is definitely the attempt to bring in the quick buck by riding on the back of "Star Wars". And the fact that "Starcrash" didn't have a big buck to spend is very apparent. This movie has some of the most appalling special effects i have ever seen. They are just terrific in their awfulness! Everything animated looks jerky and stiff, most special effects just look painted on in the style of the phasers in the original "Star Trek". And let me tell you, you haven't truly lived until you've seen a young David Hasselhoff in a light-saber vs. steel sword duel with a dramatically fake robot! Besides the obviously lame special effects there are tons of things to love in this movie. Like the ridiculous outfits and make-up and the plastic-looking props. The real prize-winner though is the acting. It's somewhere between horrible and suicidally horrible. Everyone delivers their lines like it's Shakespeare on acid and the dialog seems to be written by someone with epic ambitions. It's epic comedy at least.

To end this rambling review i just want to say that this movie is a must-see. Perhaps while intoxicated. I think anyone with the tiniest love for b-movies will enjoy this immensely, this is just one of those rare movies that is just so bad it's almost perfect. Great stuff!