Nymphomaniac: Vol. I (2013)

Well, that is my first review here, and sorry for the English mistakes. But I need to manifest some thoughts about this movie.

The worst thing about art is that when some creation is not art, it uses all dirty disguises trying to be art. And the result normally is something pretentious, pedant, meaningless and BORING!!!

It's exactly what happens here with this movie: pretending to be a example of refined cinema making, it results, in fact, in a very BORING and pretentious movie, full of pedant, slow dialogues that make banal reflections about the main theme, sex. It is, at the end, a dishonest creation, very weak art.

It would be better if that was a simple porn, it would be more honest.

Fmovies: Regarding all the critics and expectations for a topic presented like that, I would just say that this could not keep me interested for more than 10 minutes on the movie. The first music itself (rammstein) at least tries to gain your attention, makes me remember some psychological movie, which would at least makes you feel disgusted (like Srpski Film) or disoriented (like Irreversible), and make you think a little bit on the point of having watched it, to gain a certain sensibility, or a different perception on a specific case.

After the song, all I could see was a porn movie, filmed on a couple of bizarre angles, with a little but none background, of a person who is sad, boring, with a depressing tone of voice, and some pseudo-cult aspects. Sad, plain sad. Boring, plain boring.

Luckily, I was able to awake my mind from this non-thrilling and boring story, after Rammstein song started to play again on the credits.

I like to keep track of the notes given on the movies on IMDb, but his undeniably DO NOT deserve this hype. If I knew, I would keep distance of this specific story, but as a movie lover, unfortunately I'll need to watch the 2nd part.

The movie was a lot promising, it could have been a nice social-drama.

Instead it had way too much needless porn scenes. While it may be important because of the movie, its not important to see the details and not just skip it.

Plot was bad, some parts (no spoilers) were more bad than the others.

It could have been a shocking, rebellious movie. Instead its a cheap, irritating movie that twists the sexuality of human into a repulsive evil act. In my opinion it went to far, to challenge the viewer's morality but it was rather pointless and unsatisfying. It was a waste of time just out of curiosity to see how bad it can be.

Nymphomaniac: Vol. I fmovies. OK, I admit it, you had me at "Nymphomaniac"...but honestly, the swelling of certain extremities normally associated with the anticipation such a title would evoke, left immediately when I heard LeBeuf speak.The accent he used wasn't even questioned by the director? Did the director actually watch any scenes on playback? Are we to believe that a nymphomaniac believes themselves to be worthless humans? Now, I tried to reserve judgement until I had watched both...a considerable task when one isn't even interested after the "end" of the first trainwreck. I will keep my opinion about the "artistry" to myself. This movie had potential and obviously budget to make a strong impression, but all it did was come off as predictable and a bit antagonist toward conventional morality...maybe that was the point, but again, no comment on the artistic content. It was poorly executed and excruciatingly drawn out. The end was almost a relief...even mildly amusing. Both main characters displayed canned hypocrisy throughout and I would guess that to be another part of the "art" content....once again, no comment. Don't waste your time. Sex is fun and simulated sex isn't...especially when the simulation paints sex to be so.....well, no comment.

Why I believe this was complete crap. Pretentious dialog, boring unappealing characters and cheap shot shock-value scenes. Some suggest that this was originally constructed as a porn film and that it was later "re-cut" in an attempt to pass it off as an art-film – whatever – it sucked. Much like in the scene where the bondage-boy tells our leading lady that "she isn't ready yet" (which he determined by inserting his fingers into her and then "inspecting " his fingers) – I was clearly not ready either – this is garbage.

Pointless. Depressing. No redeeming value. If I had to find something positive to say about this cinematic turd, I'd have to say that it served as a reminder of just how lame the pompous "artsy" crowd can be. I love the critics calling it "a major work". Work? Really? My fav review says it "succeeds to organically synthesize the world, ideas and filmmaking savvy of Von trier" – "organically synthesize" – what exactly does this mean (if it means it's a POS then I agree. If not, I just don't know)?

Go to youtube and watch the Poo Pourri commercials – better acting and the message is clear – some things just stink. This movie is one of them.

What else can I say that hasn't been said by other reviewers? Yes, this movie is boring, pretentious, stupid, with pseudo-intellectual dialogs, etc. The first two minutes were interesting...but then the "dialogue" started. It was downhill from there on. At first I thought, "oh, the problem is that this movie is obviously dubbed and it would sound better in its original language," but then I saw Christian Slater appear so I realized that was not the problem. Then the main character says her first sexual encounter was comprised of three thrusts through her vagina and five through the back door, and the old man that is listening to her says "Ah, Fibonacci numbers!" Hell, I am a physicist and I deal with math everyday, and when I hear the numbers 3 and 5 strung together I don't think about a far-fetched Fibonacci sequence, but prime numbers instead. I cannot tell you about what happens during the rest of the movie because I was only able to endure about half an hour more.

Let me sum it up this way: Remember that episode of "Seinfeld" when they all go to see an "art" film, "Rochelle, Rochelle! A young woman's erotic journey from Milan to Minsk," and it is so boring and pretentious that they leave the movie theater? Well, there you go. This movie makes Rochelle, Rochelle! look like "Citizen Kane" in comparison.