North (1994)

Wow this movie was bad. I heard Siskel and Ebert slandering it when I was younger...and I was thinking that it couldn't possibly be that bad. Well,...I was wrong. Elijah Wood plays a boy who doesn't like his parents because they don't let him do everything that he wants to. She he decides to take them to court. And the suprising thing is that he actually wins. Kids don't get out of their homes when their parents are molesting them, beating them, and neglecting them, and North gets out because his parents don't let him run wild like he doesn't have any? The movie is just lame. Maybe it's amusing to 10 year olds who think that parents should let them do whatever they want, but the world just isn't like that. So get over it. The only good thing about this movie...of which many other commentaries have mentioned, was Bruce Willis in the pink bunny suit. I bet he will never live that down. He's probably looking back on this movie and crying. It was nice to see him in a 'family' movie. 2 out of 10. The 2 points are for the bunny costume.

Fmovies: May contain spoilers.

I was only 6 years old when I watched North - apparently this was old enough to notice its stupidity. Despite all of its manic plot points, the movie is very forgettable. In fact, I completely forgot that Bruce Willis was in this movie. But maybe that was just my unconscious mind it blocking out.

So, at only six years old I found this movie incredibly stupid. Watching the scenes in Hawaii, I was incredibly embarrassed - for the actors, for the people of Hawaii - everyone.

And it only got worse.

I enjoyed the musical number in Texas, mostly because I'm a Reba fan. And it was kind of amusing to see George and Elaine from Seinfeld as a couple, amusing at first anyways.

And what else can be said about this movie? Most of it is horrible and or unwatchable. But it's not the worst movie I've ever seen. Hell, I suppose it's better than Mortal Combat 2, or Garbage Pail Kids. ( Hardly high praise ).

So remember, if you are stuck with the choice, North is probably better than MK2, but worse than say, most anything else.

North (Elijah Wood), a bright and talented eleven year old boy (or so we're told) who clearly never had to go hungry but whose parents are so preoccupied with their career that they don't let him speak at the dinner table to dispense the wisdom his many gifts have bequeathed him (speaking of child-abuse), decide to "divorce" them and find himself a new set of parents more appreciative of his talents. Consequently, he meets a bunch of wannabe quirky characters who all desperately want to adopt him and is being helped along the way by his "guardian angel" (Bruce Willis).

I've never really been one to join in on a mob. Crowds generally make me nervous and I usually regard any gathering of any kind with a healthy dose of suspicion. So jumping on any bandwagon just isn't me. Furthermore, I've always had a soft spot for the underdog, the ugly duckling, the universally vilified, always finding redeeming features to features that usually can't be redeemed. So obviously, when I heard of "North", the 1994 comedy from director Rob Reiner, with its stellar cast and very bad reputation, I was intrigued. Reiner has always been a director with a rather good track record, his movies usually ranging from decent to excellent. So how bad could "North" be? Or more accurately put: how does a bad Rob Reiner film look like?

Well... "North" is a film that constantly struggles to find its audience and eventually fails to find any. As a film for adults, the "philosophical" narration provided by Bruce Willis never succeeds to soften the absurdity of the plot and as a film for children the whole thing is riddled with off-colour jokes and somewhat waspish clichés that make this spectacle quite inappropriate for that particular target audience. But where "North" really goes south is that failing to have a single joke that work, the film goes for the jugular and turns downright crass (the Hawaiian episode springs to mind, in that respect).

Of course, one could argue that the film has its heart beating at the right place (like any other Rob Reiner film) and was simply a misguided effort but not quite. The fact of the matter is that "North" is never funny (which in itself is pure torture for a so-called comedy) but offensive and ultimately mean-spirited through its boring stereotypes and its attempts at poking fun at somewhat dodgy subjects, going as far as insulting the audience's intelligence with truck loads of ludicrous and stupid characters, the main villain here chief suspect among these, deserving of a good spanking before being sent to bed without dessert... for life.

I so wanted to like this film, if only for the fact that it was generally reviled by everyone, which I admit is rather obnoxious of me. But I simply can't and must add my voice to the sound of the crowd as the song goes. Is "North" the worse film ever made? Well, I've certainly seen a lot worse. But somehow, thinking of it I feel like punching something. So that can't be good...

North fmovies. NOTE: Some of you may be offended by the language in this review. If you are, DO NOT see the movie. All the language here is taken directly from the movie.

Roger Ebert "hated, hated, hated" this movie, and while I wouldn't go as far as to say that, this certainly ranks as the worst (by far) Elijah Wood movie on record. The quality of such an actor as Wood or Bruce Willis can't overcome the fact that "North" has absolutely no idea what kind of movie it wants to be.

At first glance, "North" seems to be a kids movie. The plot, in which the title character searches for the ideal parents, is a child's dream. The main characters (except Willis' "guardian angel" role) are either kids or stupid. The message is a simple one about what constitutes a true family, and only a child would be unable to determine the exact outcome within the first thirty minutes of the film. "North" feels like a live-action Saturday morning cartoon.

But do kids movies have sex jokes? Do kids movies talk about men having blood in their stool or boys balls sticking to their legs in hot weather? Do kids movies have children utter words like "asshole"? Do kids movies have the main character apparently get shot in the head? It's one thing to have elements that will appeal to adults, but those elements shouldn't force parents to cover their kids' ears.

North is a bad movie. Parents (and everyone else) be warned.

Grade D- (a few good jokes and the always lovable Wood, but this is a movie that never should have been made)

Director Rob Reiner in eccentric spirits, but not quite getting the offbeat laughs and sentimental subtext he was going for. Extremely unfunny fantasy concerns unappreciated youngster who receives emancipation from his parents under the proviso he find a new set of guardians within 2 months. Celebrity-studded misfire is slick but not clever, with Bruce Willis in nearly a career-killing role as an angelic "guide" (he's also the film's narrator, in what plays like a last minute decision to fill in all the gaps). One or two fanciful scenes, but it needed more humor, less gooey uplift, and most especially an ending that didn't turn the picture into a pointless dodge. *1/2 from ****

When Harry Met Sally, A Few Good Men, The Story of Us... and I hear that This Is Spinal Tap is utterly hilarious... so what happened, Reiner? I guess everyone is entitled to make at least one mistake. Even if this particular one is really tough to forgive. If he hadn't proved himself so thoroughly after this, I'm not sure one could disassociate him from this. I haven't read the novel. Can it be as awful as this? I sure hope not. This is painfully stupid, unbelievably offensive and never actually funny. The jokes are disturbing, sick, weird and/or poor, and often based on ridiculous stereotypes that serve no other purpose than to prove beyond any reasonable doubt that the two guys who wrote the script for this, Alan Zweibel and Andrew Scheinman, have not been out of their own country in their entire lives. This wastes so much acting and comedic talent that you have to wonder if there was some sort of bet involved, to see if they could actually get all of these skilled people and have them recite horrible material, and see if anyone would outright quit. I'm not sure I'd say that Elijah was one of them at this point, but then again, all the child performers in this are annoying. There is brief moderately strong language in this. The DVD has a trailer and about about ten minutes worth of interviews with the director and cast. I recommend... well, not this, not for anyone. If you do find yourself watching at least a little of this, I urge you to treat yourself to the Nostalgia Critic's video review of it. 1/10